The Body in the Mirror

Over the past 3 months I have been undergoing the process of transforming my body. Up through my sophomore year of college I was a skinny girl. In High School people thought I had an eating disorder because I was so thin. The fact was that I could eat grilled cheese and french fries with ranch dressing (mmmmm....) with the best of 'em, I was just "naturally thin". Well of course it caught up with me. I started gaining weight my junior year, leveled out for a while about 10 pounds heavier, and then kept gaining slowly every year until I ended up about 30 pounds heavier than my high school weight. When I went to change my drivers license to my married name 7 years ago, the woman at the DOT said she would leave 140 on my drivers license, even though I knew I was at least 150. "Wedding weight" I believe she called it. I gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy, and had just gotten back to pre-pregnancy weight when I found out I was pregnant with Bird. I have been losing and gaining the same 10 pounds since getting back to pre-pregnancy weight after bird. I used to tell myself over and over that I didn't have to "diet"-would NEVER diet and deprive myself--that it was a 'stupid' way to live life. I saw people doing diets like Atkins and refusing even a few bites of their favorite foods, and wouldn't do it. I am relatively active--for an American--but my phsyical activity was down a lot after having the kids. No matter how many times I read "Eat less, move more" I wouldn't do it. I ate natural, organic, healthy foods. Why should I diet? It took me years to even realize that I did not look to everyone else like I did to ME. I simply was not thin anymore. At the beginning of this year I was 163. I got myself down to 159 and I said that my goal was to get back to 150. I said I would love to see 140 but I knew it couldn't happen. Finally one day I realized that I had to stop telling myself all of the things I "couldn't" do, and just DO them.

Every journey begins with a single step.

I signed up for Weight Watchers online, and picked up my Billy Blanks Boot Camp routine again. In the past three months I have lost another 17 pounds. I've gone from a size 12/14 to a size 6/8. I feel better than I have in years. What took me so long to do this? What took me so long to believe in myself? I am so glad that I took matters into my own hands and decided to change my life. Yet there's still one battle to conquer. I look in the mirror, and I'm thrilled. My face has slimmed, my waist is slender, I look great. The second I walk away from the mirror I gain 20 pounds and my face swells. I step into my size 6 pants which are perfectly comfortable, and think to myself that it's only that the pants ran huge, that I'm not really that small. I know how hard I've worked to get here, but I just can't see myself as I am now. Beo tells me that I've spent the past 10 years learning to see myself as I really was, and now it's that image that's in my head. It will take more than three months to start seeing my new thin self in my head. I believe that I will keep this weight off. Weight Watchers has helped me to learn how to eat our foods in a healthier way. I've learned so much about how different foods affect me, about portion control, and about satiety. This weight loss is ushering in the new era of Me. Reminding me that I must honor and nurture myself if I am to do my best to honor and nurture my children, husband, friends, and environment.